Welp when I'm online, almost no one is on, and I guess it'll be difficult for me to just keep explaining my problems to each and every person who asks. so, I'll just bundle up my worries and stress into one blog.

Well, I'm going to start with the most recent one.
My mom took me to a hair salon 2 days ago because she wanted hair color. I came to the salon from my University, and helped explaining what my mom wanted to the stylist and explained what she said to mom. and damn that went on for an hour then finally the color was decided.
we got out satisfied. Even my dad liked it for the first time. it was just a simple ash brown color.

But the next day, she said she doesnt like it because it looks red. I've already explained to her a billion times that they will add chemical to your hair that makes the hair color react differently to it and also everyones hair is different so even in the same color, people get different outcomes.

And she said i never said that.
We went to the salon again. i had to be her translator and explain why she wasn't satisfied and she was very angry that she didn't care at all of what the stylist were saying, i was just translating exactly what the stylist was explaining to her yet she said stop arguing with me, though whatever i said wasnt even my own words.

inside the salon ive been trying soo hard to explain to her yet, she just wasnt trying to understand a SINGLE thing. she only needed to be patient and let the color stay for a month and it will turn out into her desired color, but she kept shutting me off like it didnt matter and she wouldn't believe it.

when we came back home, she kept on screaming, cursing me with bad words, kept saying its all my fault even though i tried to help and encourage her to try something new and do what you like, She hit me, she told me i should die either today or tomorrow, she kept getting angry on my pet bird for a single noise he made.

She said soo many painful things.. and this happens in every arguement we have. I always just have the urge to.. jump off from the top of the house whenever she says "it'll be better if you're dead", or "why aren't you dead yet?" but... I try to ignore it. I try to think that it wasn't even my fault. all I did was just trying to help... she thinks I did the wrong hair color on purpose, but I'd never do anything on purpose to hurt someone...

These kinds of odd arguements happen frequently at my home... she gets angry at the most stupid, most mindless thing that even my dad disagrees with her..

And it's painful, It hurts to hear those kind of words when all I do is "try" to make things better.

even though she's telling me to die and doesn't need a horrible person like me, she still needs me for most of her work, like- why do you need me to get you stuffs from the fridge while you're cooking? its right there, why do u need me to do your chores?

I don`t know what i'm writing anymore, i feel like it doesn't make sense, my mind isn't working right, i'm exhausted... I'm tired of her...

There's soo much more things i want to say about her, about the things i worry about, the things that stresses me out but... explaining it will be as long as a book... and I shouldn't fill up my blogs with negative things..

But, I'm fine. It's alright. Paint is keeping me strong. It's all thanks to you guys I'm still standing..