Sometimes, I wish I had a room to myself.
Sometimes, I wish to be alone.
Always, I wish to escape this reality.
In this day and age, nothing is for granted, and you need to work for it. You need to find the inner strength that you have to pull your worth out of yourself.
You shan't have a moment to rest, not a breath of relief. "There is a time and a place for everything"? Worth as much as the air coming out of their wheezing lungs.
Of course, I am still quite above others as it is. Performing better, better metrics, some even say a better mind. But is what they say really true?
Maybe it is. Maybe I do have hope. After all, I was chosen as a young child to perfect this unnatural skill of mine. Something others seemed unattainable at such a young age.
But maybe, therein lies my fatal blunder. I was young, I was naïve. I didn't know any better. I wanted to impress others and I didn't think of what lengths I would be pushed through from others just seeing that glimpse, that glimmer of talent.
I gave, they took. They fed off of what I could do and turned the screws even harding sending me into overdrive. As if my body were to call out to me to stop, I mentally screamed in agony and in pain as every part of my being bore the stresses of my work. I did not dare make any dissenting noise. Any sense of faltering, and they would have whipped me back in shape.
I would be berated to no end. Their philosophy was "punish, never reward." When I needed a shred of sympathy the most, they would beat me down the hardest. "Mental health?" they would scoff. "Stop making excuses." Maybe, just maybe, they would value my emotions more if I were female. "Man up," they would order. Then I realize that it would not be beyond them to not stop at mental abuse. I shudder at the thought.
In one of my long, sleepless nights, I shouldered the burden of my entire legacy. "Who am I?" I wondered while studying my hands, turning them over in the dim starlight. "These hands are truly strange implements."
My body shook violently for a split second, uncomfortably thacking against the hard surface I was sleeping on. This was a conscious choice to rest my back. What I needed most was a moment to sleep, reflect, and sort out my life.
In my daydreams, I had constructed a timeless, brightly-lit white box. No time would pass in relation to the outside world, and only the people I want to come with me would be able to. I would require no nourishment or water there. Free of stresses and obligations, free of terror and abuse.
Oh, how much I could accomplish in there. Chase new hobbies, shrapen new skills, even take an entire day off and rest my mind and body.
Alas, something like this can only stay a dream. In my work, it would never come to fruition. Nobody would even entertain the idea.
I only had so much more to go; I was in the home stretch. If I could finish my duty, I could at last free myself of the reigns! But you thought not, did you. Indeed, I broke. Mere weeks out from the release, I performed an untenable act.
an ungodly act, even. what is it? well...
to tell you would be an even greater violation one that would lead to certain death and destruction of my body which is so very valuable to the higher ups to a point you wouldn't understand at all at a level it could be said that they would kill so many civilians to get another specimin like me but little do they know that they're misusing me and they don't know how to control my inner desires which are the most human parts of me to the point where i treasure them the most but it all boils down to this throbbing pain that i cannot get rid of no matter how hard i try it comes back and it happened again at the strait of surigao and cape engaño all the same again and again my eye is going to disappear at this point and they won't know what hapened at all and they'll slaughter me kill me butcher me like a cow like the many times they have shown me and the whispers and threats in my ears are crawling into my soul i cannot keep this up anymore this is unhealthy i cannot take this anymore at this rate it won't be them ending me it will be me and i don't like this outcome at all why did it have to turn out this way i don't like humanity anymore the trillion things i have seen humans do as part of my work is already enough on my brain i don't need more of it the dregs of society really shouldn't exist and i am one of the one of the untouchables one of the worthless bints who do nothing but have bullets punched through them in the streets but i have to keep up my work to prevent being one of them but i've already made the mistake and there's no going back now i can't do this anymore oh please make this pain stop
now im stuck in a damp plague ridden prison holed up in a tight spot barely enough to live and just enough for my captors to use my skill ive been exploited to the highest degree
has my wish been granted or has it been deferred
a dream deferred shrivels up like a raisin in the sun
or maybe its me whos shriveling up alone depressed and with the drive to live of a corpse
if only i could escape this stupid reality i made for myself
not even the luck of
yukikaze of kure
shigure of sasebo
can save me here Wha- huh? Where am I?
Ca- ow! What'd you hit me for? Weren't you the one I was talking to last night?
...goddammit. I can never trust you blokes. Yeah, come on, come at me, you bint! You think violence will work? Am I that disposable to you?