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Afton Genetics: Part 1

Featured: Yes (oswaldo123)
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Avatar Anarchy
14 Sep 2017 19:15
So.
Interesting concept.
I've actually worked on my of Fnaf based fiction work.
Though I have some things I'd like to point out.

You broke tense in the first sentence.
Fixing that is one of the big things in future writing.

To be honest I didn't really try too hard to read the whole thing. Moreover I glanced at it. Looked it over, and I noticed that you broke tense a few times.

Also I do realize this is a conversation, but straight up dialogue doesn't work well. I had a hard time keeping up with it simply because it was literally all talking. I would recommend adding my in-between actions. Let's take for example Michael coming to realize he was wrong about when William arrived.

Here's how I would have put it:

Michael hesitated for a moment, and slowly his gaze drifted to the side as he became lost in thought. But only for a moment as he suddenly came back into focus, locking eyes with Marcus.

"Yeah," he said, scratching his face in semi-embarrassment, "I guess your right. Those spring locks got me pretty bad. Not the best memory right now."



It's definitely functional, but needs some work.
You're on the right track.
Avatar Anarchy
14 Sep 2017 19:16
In reply to Anarchy
my own*
Avatar Anarchy
14 Sep 2017 19:18
In reply to Anarchy
you're right*

ugh these typos
Avatar Anarchy
14 Sep 2017 19:17
In reply to Anarchy
Adding more*
Avatar FiNrOd
02 Aug 2017 15:29
Dog
Avatar oswaldo123
02 Aug 2017 10:58
Very nice. :p
Avatar Yoshidoll
02 Aug 2017 10:59
In reply to oswaldo123
Thanks
Avatar oswaldo123
02 Aug 2017 11:06
In reply to Yoshidoll
Is it 10 am for you or something?
Avatar Yoshidoll
02 Aug 2017 11:07
In reply to oswaldo123
Nah it's 4am
Avatar oswaldo123
02 Aug 2017 11:16
In reply to Yoshidoll
Same here, I assumed nobody in my time zone would be up. Lol
Avatar Yoshidoll
02 Aug 2017 11:28
In reply to oswaldo123
Lol I didn't expect anyone to see this blog yet.
Avatar Rlad116
02 Aug 2017 17:35
In reply to Yoshidoll
Weirdos
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