Trivaul Pt. 1
POSTED: 28 Jun 2019 12:17
CATEGORY: Short Story
"Promise me you'll be back, we'll be together again" ...
[ALARM CLOCK RINGS]
I open my eyes, thinking about the dream I just had. It happened again. I've been getting the same dream every night since the accident. Anyways, I grabbed my towel from the closet and start to walk towards the bathroom.
The dream, I don't know why but it feels so real. It felt like it happened before. I couldn't remember the place but I know I feel like I've been there. I turned on the shower and start taking a bath.
I finished showering, I grabbed my towel and went o my room. I open my closet to get my usual work clothing, I don't do formal, just a plain white shirt and jeans and white socks. After I wear my "work clothes" I start to walk downstairs thinking about life. I went to the kitchen where my mom was cooking breakfast for me and my sister who was still asleep.
"You're up early" My mom said while holding a spatula
"I'm always early" I answered while making coffee.
While I was waiting for the water to boil I asked my mom...
"Mom, where's dad?"
"Oh he left already" my Mom answered.
"He's going to Japan to work, remember?" She added.
Oh yeah, Japan. I wish I could come with Dad. I love Japan culture, I love everything about Japan.
"Here, eat" My mom said while putting the eggs and bacon onto a plate. I made my coffee and eat.
After eating, I brushed my teeth and grabbed my bag.
"I'm going now Mom!" I yelled as I go out.
*I'll skip the walking part, too lazy*
I arrived at a local arcade where I work as a Janitor/Technician. I entered the backdoor that says Authorized Personnel Only, I'm authorized. I walked in and grabbed my time card (I dunno the name) and checked in. While I was walking towards my locker I heard someone calling me.
I turned around and looked at the person who called me. It was Isaiah, a friend of mine who also works here.
"Hey" I replied back.
"Have you heard about a new game being plugged in?" He said in excitement.
Isaiah is the kind if person who slacks off just to play in the arcade. He hasn't been caught but, I didn't say he won't be.
We've been friends since high school and no one remembers how we've met.
"Aren't you scared that our manager sees you slacking of, you can get fired because of that." I said while he's not listening.
"Welp, catch you later" He said while walking towards the arcade room.
He didn't listen.
I sighed and went to the repair room
I looked at the list of what will I do today.
• Replace the broken mallet on whack-a-mole
• Repair the broken speakers on Dance Dance Revolution
• Help the author make a decent list
•Stop breaking the 4th wall
•Restore the basement
• Have coffee with _sauce
Maybe I should start with the basement.
I grabbed my hat and toolkit.
I went to the basement door behind the out of order game box near the corner. I hid the door behind it so that no one will go in (or maybe go out) the room. I pushed the game just right so that I can fit in and go inside the basement. I closed the door and forgot how dark this place. I tried turning on the switch behind me but nothing happened, I should fix that later. I grabbed my flashlight from the toolkit and turned it on. The stairs that leads down the basement is made out of worn out wood and may break any moment, luckily it didn't. I arrived at the bottom and tried to look for a switch but I couldn't find one, amazing. I walked around the basement as my flashlight lights the way. I looked at the shelves which was filled with old game cabinet parts, where were you when I needed parts.
As I was walking I noticed my flashlight was slowly loosing light, great timing. I used up the rest of the battery until it died.
I tried to find my way through the basement when I saw little illumination behind a torn curtain. I went near it and removed the dusty old curtain and saw a door with no knob. I tried to push the door but it was not budging. I tried kicking the door again and again. when I released my last kick the door went loose, the door fell to the floor. A bright light shines on my face, I blocked the light with my hand and looked around and saw.
My old room
(This part is too short)
Hello, If you're reading this (if someone is reading this), Thanks for staying and reading the first part of my story.... I know what you're thinking: "What, this story is trash, the author can't even make a decent story, I think this is made by a child" ....I know...
If someone is reading my story.... Please comment on what you think or if you want another part...
Thanks, and have a great day
09 Jul 2019 06:46
Japan is yes
28 Jun 2019 18:48
"turned on the shower and took a bath" is the only mistake I've noticed so far. But as Finrod said, you could do better transitions with better word choice. for instance, "...the door went loose, the door feel to the floor." could be written to be more flowing if you said, the door came loose, and fell down with a crash!
But enough criticism! I really enjoyed it and the cliff-hanger really makes me want a part 2!
30 Jun 2019 05:04
In reply to Siling-La
Thanks : D
28 Jun 2019 23:48
In reply to Siling-La
Oh dang I didn't even notice that, then again I admit to skimming some parts, :// but yeah it's still grammatically correct, its just that if you turn on a shower head you wouldn't be bathing xD
29 Jun 2019 06:06
In reply to Finrod
28 Jun 2019 17:03
Oh god, there's no comments. Guess I'll give some nice criticism, hopefully...
it's a little fast transitioned, it's long which is REALLY nice but maybe you could add a little descriptive words to even out the transition between one scene and another.
For example "As I was walking I noticed my flashlight was slowly loosing light, great timing. I used up the rest of the battery until it died." has a lot of action but little descriptive word play(s). The flashlight losing its light is a good way to provide context, but "I used up its light till it died" Is more written within an action sequence and not "real world-ly" almost like a script, you could change it to something like "After I reached ____ the battery in the light flickered and went dark" just an example but what I'm saying is you could EXPAND on it. Instead of giving only a action sequence.
Grammar and everything else looks fine though!!, correct me if I'm mistaken.
30 Jun 2019 05:04
In reply to Finrod
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