What the fuck is wrong with me? I was fine just 2 days ago.. but everytime the feeling comes back it gets progressively worse. I've completely given up on doing any homework. kinda sucks for being in a private school where you cant just do the bare minimum to pass..

I.. Just want to be better? But everytime i want to tell someone, a little voice in the back of my head tells me that "it will pass, you just have to be patient." but i dont know how much more patient i can be. For the first time in my life, I have wanted to not exist. I wish i could've died young. But i'm to much of a pussy to actually kill myself. I wish I never experienced life. But now that i have, I can't just go and kill myself. What will happen when i'm dead? whats after that? what if i regret dying? I only get one chance to live, so why waste it when there's a small chance this could get better? How ironic that this happened during suicidal awareness week..
I honestly just want to go to a mental hospital and take a break from living for a month or two.. but that would cost a fuck ton of money probably, and i already go to an expensive highschool so i dont want to have to make my parents pay any more for me. Even as a middle class family, inflation has been affecting us too. I can't imagine how bad it is for lower class families.

It's my problem, so i should just live with it. There are plenty of other people who have felt way worse than me, and they keep on living. So i should just do the same. It's too hard to ask for help anyways. Whenever i try, my insides feel tight, my hands start to shake, my shoulders tense up, my heartbeat gets faster, I stutter more, ect. And thats just when im asking for help on homework. Imagine how hard it will be when i ask for REAL help. I'm already barely keeping it together, so if i do ask for help i'm bound to break down. I can't have my emotions showing around people. I don't know why but i just have to keep them hidden. I have to keep them inside so that only i can see them. I don't want to worry people with my emotions, thats why i don't ask for help. I'll just inconvenience people if i ask for help.

The only reason I make blogs like this is so only the people who want to read it can read it. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by being vulnerable around them, it might ruin the conversation if i just randomly shout, "Hey, I'm feeling the worst i've ever felt in my life, can you tell me i'm not a burden when asking people for help? Thanks :]!" That would just kill the previous conversation, and then it'd just be annoying. and I'm just annoying.

10:30 PM, September 12, 2023. Six times. Six times in a row I cut myself with the led of a mechanical pencil. It didn't bleed, but it left a small, red mark that's still on my hand as I type this.

The body and gender dysphoria hit me like how I wish a car would just hit me. It hurts. But at least the broken bones would be visible if i did get hit by a car.