"Any man makes a mistake, but none but a fool continues in it."

"Wow, Justin Beiber sounds gay, I guess he got his voice from his mommy."

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice and relax as life tries to figure out how the hell you did that."

"A good friend is there to talk to you when you're in jail, a great friend is there to bail you out, a best friend is sitting right next to you in the jail cell."

"I can lead a war with no Holocaust."

"Guy 1:Suicide is a stress reliever.
Guy 2:Huh? i dont- oh i get it,
because commit-
Guy1:Shut up! you just ruined the joke!"

"Go crawl under a rock and die."

"You don't love everybody you just hate them all the same amount."

"Friendship is like peeing your pants, it leaves a warm, fuzzy feeling and everyone can see it."