THE SWEDISH PRINCE
"WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM for a slightly disheartening message from the President of the United States."
"Aww, what?" I was just in the middle of watching Pokemon - the better, older episodes, not that stupid Diamond and pearl crap. "Who cares about America?!" I threw my popcorn behind me and was about to turn the TV off, when the President, Bob Sagget, appeared in an apocalyptic scene. There was wreckage everywhere, and broken glass, and fire, and cats."I'm here in Washington DC, where there's been a terribly violent gasoline-filled balloon fight accident. At first, everyone was having a good time. Unfortunately, someone had been smoking during the game and dropped his cigar, setting the town on fire. Not long after, a truck carrying several tanks of propane, which had been heading for a different important landmark, caught on fire and exploded, destroying everything. Hearing the noise, the city's entire population of house cats went on a rampage, half of which were mine." After that, Ash Ketchum defeated some kid in a Pokemon battle. The show ended, and I turned off the TV. "Wow, that was crazy!" I yelled. "Electric against a rock type? Ash got some mad skills!"
I went to the kitchen for some lunch. I looked to the right, and on the table lie a fresh, and very tall, quinturple supersized peanutbutter sandwich with little donuts around it, and a toothpick on the very top with a slice of lemon impaled upon it. I walked over to that masterpiece of a sandwich, reached for it, slowly, carefully, and grabbed the marshmallow next to it. I popped it into my mouth and washed it down with strawberry punch, which was conveniently in the pitcher next to the sandwich. After that, I decided to take a swim. So I put on my scuba gear, and my air tank, and my goggles, and my flippers, and my life-jacket, and my arm-floaties, took a deep breathm and dived into my bathtub. Then, I turned the knob to fill it with water. It sure was relaxing. I laid back, got out a Zatch Bell manga, and everything was going fine, until I accidentally kicked up the lever that opened the drain. Soon I was sucked in and propelled into the sewer system. I got out of the dirty water and took off the scuba gear. (Don't worry, I had clothes on underneath, you perv.) I tossed the gear into the water and continued on foot. I had to be quiet though, because the ceiling was covered with bats. It was after a long hour of walking that I was greeted by a hobo whose name was Jerry Antonio Babalon Von Zitter Lee Kadoo III, Esquire, twice removed, put back, and then removed again, but with more force than the last two removals.
Jerry told me that he was the rightful prince of the Swedish Empire, but was overthrown by rogue ninjas. I told him I'd be glad to help him get his power back, so we made our way out of the sewer system and opened the lid that was in the middle of the street. We safely got to the sidewalk and walked into a nearby karate studio. Jerry led me to a secret room in the back, where he turned on the lights, and there was a password-protected lock on the wall. He pressed a bunch of numbers, (I had to close my eyes, because the password was a secret.) and then the wall opened up to reveal a huge underground lair. We went down twenty flights of stairs and he pressed a button, opening the door leading to a big room where, in the middle, was a massive tarp that covered something. He pulled off the tarp, and under it was a large UFO. I couldn't believe my eyes! He told me this was top-secret Swedish technology, so I was to tell nobody else about it. He pulled a remote out of his pocket and pressed the button, opening the UFO's door. As we climbed into the machine, the stairs slid back up and the doors shut automatically behind us. The lights suddenly went on.
"This is amazing!" I yelled. I couldn't contain my excitement. Jerry sat in the cockpit and grabbed the main controls. He told me to man the gunner position. So I went into another room, where I found a ladder. I climbed it and opened the trapdoor, which led to the roof. I saw the lazer gun in the middle and I took the initiative to sit in the seat and grab the handle. Jerry yelled something that I couldn't quite catch, and then the UFO started rising into the air. The building opened up and we took off into the sky at an incredible speed. My heart was racing! Soon we arrived over Sweden, and the scenery was fantastic, but there wasn't anything sinister about it. Earlier, Jerry told me that his people had been enslaved and the land was destroyed. I convinced myself that maybe this was a different part of Sweden that hadn't been taken yet. However, all of a sudden, a bunch of troops came and started to fire at us! Jerry yelled, "Shoot!" So I quickly pressed the button on the controls and the gun started shooting lazer beams at them.
More and more troops started attacking us. As I continued to blast them, more and more kept coming. I panicked. How could we win when there were so many of them? Then I noticed a big red button shielded by a glass casing. Would this do the trick? Only one way to find out. I punched the glass in and pressed the button. Just then, the bottom of the ship opened up and dropped a big blue metal sphere. A bomb? Then I stopped and thought, hey, why am I doing this anyway? This isn't my war! And now I was going to destroy... before I could finish my thought, the bomb exploded. No! There was a large town full of civilians down there! A cloud of smoke covered the scene. I was just about to pass out from the guilt of supposedly killing thousands of innocent people, when the smoke cleared, revealing the result of the blast. I breathed a sigh of relief. Nobody was killed after all! The blue bomb just turned them all into babies. We continued to the castle, where Jerry told me the ninjas were living. The ship flew down and crashed into the castle, and we invaded.
With a sword and his hand and a yoyo in mine, we battled our way to the core of the castle, where we met face to face with Destiny. That is, Colonel Lawrence B. Destiny, Sweden's own most powerful military leader. He pulled out his steel nunchucks and challenged us to a truel. So Jerry charged at Destiny with his sword and swung it as hard as he could, but it was no match for the nunchucks. Destiny deflected the sword and smashed it to pieces with a single blow. Jerry was now frightened by the power of the steel. So it was up to me. I started to spin my yoyo as fast as I could, until it was glowing bright fucia. Then, by the power of Shakespeare, my yoyo was granted the combined strength of a thousand chihuahuas and the almighty beard of God himself (with a hint of lemon) and I struck Destiny so hard with my yoyo that it stabbed right through his pancreas, and he flew back ten feet in the air and smashed into the wall behind him, knocking the cheesy toupet off his bald head. I retracted the yoyo, which returned to its normal state, and I walked over to Destiny, who had fallen to the floor.
Destiny told me to come closer. So I approached him, and leaned in to hear his last words. He put his hand on my shoulder, and said to me, "YOU IDIOT! I'M NOT THE BAD GUY, HE IS!!" And then, like a chinese master in an old, out-of-sync kung-fu movie, he vanished. After crying there for five hours, I finally got ahold of myself, and started to think. What did he mean by those last words? Was it some mysterious riddle? I pondered this, as his words echoed in my head, "YOU IDIOT! I'M NOT THE BAD GUY, HE IS!!" I thought about it long and hard, until I finally realized what he meant. "Yes, Destiny.. if that is your request, I will bring you a foot long from Subway. But first, I must fulfill my mission!" I knew that somewhere, up there in Swedish Heaven, Destiny was watching me, slapping his forehead. So then I continued on, navigating the hallways, and I realized that no more guards were chasing after me. Had Jerry successfully defeated the foe ruler? There was only one way to find out. I finally made my way into the heart of the castle. I opened the huge golden door, and there was Jerry, sitting on the throne.
I immediately congratulated him on his victory. "Jerry! You did it, man! You finally took back your kingdom!" Oh, but Jerry just chuckled darkly, with a maniacal tone in his voice. "Yes, and thank you, my friend. But I'm afraid I have no more use for you. Guards, take him to the dungeon!" At his command, a couple of huge guys in out-of-date, rusty knights' armor came out and hauled me away by my toes. "Wait!! Why are you doing this?" He glared at me. "You see, I'm not really the rightful heir. I tricked you to help me overthrow the king! Now, you must go, so that nobody shall hear of this!" Darn. How did he know that I would alert the navy?
A while later, I opened my eyes. My hands were shackled to the wall above me, and my armpits smelled of rich lemons. There was also a burning pain in my side. Wow, I had no idea they'd actually taze me! Of course, I did kick one of the guards where the sun don't shine. I wish I'd known where those guards took me, but I was too unconscious to notice. As I looked around, I saw three other people in the chamber with me. One of them was an old man with a scraggly white beard and an oversized red robe. I assumed that was the real king. The second was a little girl, about five years old, with blonde hair and excruciatingly prissy clothing. That must be his daughter. The other guy had a red and black outfit, and a silly hat with bells on the ends. The royal fool? Jerry put the fool in prison too?! Unforgivable!
The king noticed that I was finally awake, and started to snap at me. "Oy! What gave you the idea to crash my palace, man?" I was still a little dazed. "I'm sorry.. Jerry told me that he was the rightful heir to the throne, and that you were an imposter. He tricked me.." Then the king gave me a really weird look that made me nervously pee my pants a little. "Who is this..... Jerry person?" He asked, in a curious tone. "H-he's the guy that just overthrew your kingdom. You mean you don't know who he is?" He then sighed. "His name isn't Jerry, lad.. that was also a lie." I didn't know what to say, so I just stared in shock at this news. "That man is a criminal from Eastern Switzerland. We've been fighting that scoundrel for months now." He gave me a serious look. "And his real name is Solomon Fitzgerbal du Quazar Kwan Archaleto Stavez bin Sama Delaware."
I then had a spasm in my left kidney. That jerk lied to me! And to think I was going to invite him to my pet turtle's 49th birthday party! Well, he can forget that now. "So... how are we gonna get out of here?" I looked around, looking for some way to escape. Then the fool spoke up, with an old british accent. "The onlyeth wayeth we canst escapeth is byeth squizzing throughest that smalleth opening-shwazta." Ok.. umm.. I looked at the king, hoping for a translation. "What did he just say..?" The king just sighed. "He likes to roleplay, just humor him.." That explained a lot. "Anyway, as he said, we need someone small enough to fit in that little hole in the wall. It should lead to the other side of the cell, where the door can be opened." And that's when I got the perfect idea. "What about her?" I pointed to the little girl. "My daughter? Are you serious?!" The king looked angry now. "It could be dangerous! Or she could stain her dress!"
I knew he wouldn't be so fond of the idea. She is the princess, after all. "Do you really think I care? Forget the darn clothes, I just wanna get the heck outta here!" The king's face turned into an apple. Then he started screaming something that I was too distracted by a butterfly to listen to at the time. While the king was having a derp attack in his emo corner, I told the girl to crawl into the hole and find a way to get us out of the cell. About a half an hour later, she was standing on the other side of the bars, with a key in her hand. After unlocking the door and letting us go, and after the king woke up from his coma, I asked the girl how she did it. She said she found it on the collar of a sleeping guard chicken, and we left it at that.
Anyway, to make a long story short, the four of us bonded together to become a mighty robot that pummeled through ten squads of sumo wrestlers and a rabid minotaur to get back to the heart of the palace, which had dramatically changed since the last time I saw it. There was fire and lava and puppies everywhere and a fat guy with a parrot on his shoulder who had a thick german accent (The parrot, not the guy) and the fool told us to go on while he faced them alone. I doubted he'd win, but I said "Ok" and went on without looking back.
So me, the king and his daughter made it to the center of the room, where we boarded an elevator that took us up 27 stories to the new roof of the castle, high up in the clouds. Oh, it was raining and hailing and lightning...ing, and there wasn't a single mosquito in the sky. (Which was a relief, because I brought bug spray just in case.) And just when we were wondering what was going on, a familiar voice echoed. "Jonathan Michaelangelo Stalin Bartholomew Kentucky Barbeque Spielburg! Are you ready... for the for the most EPIC BATTLE OF YOUR ENTIRE PITIFUL BORING EXISTANCE?!" I was ready to say no thanks, but I wasn't given a choice when he jumped down from the 30 foot tall throne that his enslaved smurfs built out of purified Obamium. The very ground rumbled violently beneath his hairy feet.
As he walked closer to me, he littered the remaining skin from the lemon he'd been nomming on, and drew a turquoise lightsaber from his rainbow colored beltloop and put it up to my throat. "Any last words?" He asked me, with an evil tone. I looked down for a second, then looked back at him. "Yeah... DON'T SWIM WITHIN AN HOUR OF EATING!!" And with that, I karate-chopped his the lightsaber in half and grabbed the lemon skin and shoved it into his left nostril, causing intense neuro-paralysis. Then I punched him in the esophogus and yelled, "That's for taking the last fruit roll up!!" And I bit his nose off, causing him to surrender. The king took his throne back, the fool beat up the guy with the parrot, and I went back to watching Pokemon.