Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts, depression
I'm not okay.
I'm miserable,
I'm depressed,
I'm numb.
I don't feel any emotion besides numbness and sadness. My only escape by now is youtube. Thats it.
I'm not okay.
I cry everyday,
I cry about nothing,
I cry because there's nothing.
I feel bad so I cry. My mind criticises me for crying about nothing. I feel worse because I'm crying about nothing. It's a never ending cycle.
I'm not okay.
I don't want this,
I don't want this life,
I don't want to be alive.
I honestly want to kill myself. Really badly. But I can't. I just imagine my best friend in tears. I imagine my other suicidal friend killing herself because she thinks it's her fault. I imagine my sister, unable to stay in college from the depression. I imagine the fear of you guys when I've left these messages but then suddenly left.
I'm not okay.
I've lost hope,
I've lost joy,
I've lost the ability to imagine my future.
Quite honestly, I don't see myself above 50. I can really only see myself living up to my early 30s. I can imagine a different, better life. If I die, I sincerely believe that I'll be reborn as someone new, in a different universe. This universe could be similar to this one, or it could be a book series. Though I'm atheist. I don't know.
I'm not okay.
But suicide isn't an option,
I can't leave my friends,
I can't leave my family my sister,
I can't leave this world.
I'm not okay,
But I'm fine.
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