i feel terrible

i relapsed again last night and you know whats funny

i think i am a masochist
whenever i run my fingers over my wounds i feel so ......
euphoric?
pleasured?? i dont know how to explain it.

i really dont have any big dreams.
except to be a content creator i guess
but i dont think id even be good at it

if you ask me id really like to die


fuck
i dont know what i wanna do with life
ive been promised things by my parents that never happened
"we'll get you therapy!" it never gets done.

im just
tired
im done
i dont wanna be here anymore
the reality im in stresses me out
whenever i go into my mind and blast my music i feel better
nothing stresses me
everything is how i want it

im not a healthy friend i never will be