Jamie. My dad. Father.
I know I'm your Oldest daughter.. and for the longest time, I was your only.
But now you have replaced me.
You have a new wife, who pushed me away and out of your life.
She has giving you 2 more daughters.. who you love, and I cant blame you.
But now Jamie. You treat me like you've never knowen me at all.
You think your changeing into a better person... and for awhile, i came to believe this. You thought you were making it up to me...
but nothing can change my childhood, whats done is done.
All i ever wanted was to be a daddy's girl, just like most of the girls I knew.
But no matter how hard i tried... it seemed like you wanted nothing to do with me.
Most of my childhood all I remember is, You yelling at me, and or Hitting me. (Spanking not acutall hitting people...)
and yea, most of the time i deserved it. but others.. i had no idea what i have ever done wrong.
BUt no Matter.. i still smiled.. i mean after all, i had a dad.. and a dad was better then no dad at all..
I was your little girl.. No matter what you did to me.
I remember saying sorry a lot.. repeating it day after day. "Daddy, I'm Sorry.."
then having to walk away.
But was it ever so bad to ask for love or ask for you to show it back?
After we got out of the dump I called a home... We moved into a better house.. Mom, brandon and I. But you Father. No. You left us for some trashy women.
But I put up with it. Even though I was only a 5th grader.
Going with you everyother weekend, even if I was treated worse than ever before.
I still wanted to come. It was because I Loved you.
Then that day came were get got pregent. And she started to treat me like I was the trashy one. BUt again, i still delt with it, Untill she rose her hand and struck me. All because i used some chesse on my Dinner.
You may have yelled at her. But you brought me home early all the same, just to get me out of that house.
On the way home i Lost it. and before i got out of the car i yelled at you..
Remember what i said Jamie?
"Its me Or that Bitch."
It was somthing i reget and still do to this very day.
Its not because i said it.. it was Because of the outcome.
You chose her.
I felt Worthless.
After that you didnt ask to take me with you anymore, you didnt talk to me or even come to my softball games. even though you were invited.
This went on for a few years. and soon enough i found out i had a baby sister. So i decided to call you.
I asked her name. You said her Name was Tobey.
I asked if i could see her, and to declinded. "I dont know if its allowed... considering what happened"
And you hung up. I was oddly.. ok with this for some time.
Another year went by, I was in high school, and being stupid me, i still wanted to be a daddy's girl. So i called and asked if we could hang out.
You agreed, and we set up a date. I was so happy, even excited!
I got all ready, i even dressed up like the kind of girl you always wanted me to be. I wore a skirt, i curled my long hair and even wore earrings.
And Then i waited. 4 o clock... turned in 7 o clock.. and then soon 9 o clock.
You never came. No. You Brought Ivy to the Movies instead.
Ivy.. shes not even blood realated to you. shes only your step daughter..
That following weekend i got so upset with you Jamie. That I Chopped all of my long hair that you said you loved. Then i dyed it Blonde with red streaks.
I even got my Cartalge pierced. and quit Softball..
You hated it.
But i didnt care.
Weeks after it seemed like everything was ok aagin. I was visiting once more, and for a time i seemed happy again.
New years was coming up, along with my 16th Birthday!!
But Jamie. Do you know what Happened?
I Sure do.
I remember it clearly.
YOu called me and asked me if you could take me and brandon for a New Year's Fling with you.
I was extremly Happy. That's why i was so willing to Cancle all my Plans.. I was invited to do many things.. but i said no, b.c i was going to hang with you and Brandon!!
Jamie. I bet you cant ever Comprehend how happy i was.
You called on New years Eve. I picked up the phone and started to Fanticly ask you questions.
"Dad what time are you picking us up? We packed warm clothes, i even saved some money we could use to go somewhere!!"
DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID?!
"Sorry Nik, we are just gonna take your brother this week, Your really not allowed to come over anymore...
Sorry Hunny, But can you tell brandon to be ready by 4?"
You hung up. and i just stood there. my mom came in and asked what time you were coming. I looked at her, threw the phone at the couch and just ran to my room.
Father. That day you made me break my 4 year no crying streak.
Finally i came down stairs, and i heard my mom yelling, so i sat on the stairs and just listened.
My mom just went at it.
"JAMIE She tries so hard! Why must you do this everytime?!"
I layed my head on my knees and i just let the tears roll down my face.
January 6th, 2012. That was the last time we talked. But it was only about my car.
I got No birthday call. No Good Luck all, and No, Hey whats up we havent talked in awhile Call.
To this day. I still want a dad. Like everyone else. One to talk about to my friends about all the great stuff we have done.
