POSTED: 29 Jun 2020 06:16
CATEGORY: Ask for Help
FEATURED: Yes ( Rlad116 )
So it probably raises concern that I put a blog titled "Pained" under the category "Ask For Help". Well, I did. And you'll see why.
Those who know me, whether it be online or people in real life... they see me as... well, a lot of different things, depending on the person. Some see me as a bitch. A sweetheart. A nerd. A whore. A country girl. Yeah... news flash: I am every single one of those. At least on the outside. Everyone is too busy seeing the sugarcoated side to pay attention to what's really inside.
Look, I'm not who you think. People tell me I'm beautiful, smart, talented, whatever. I'm not. And I will forever deny it because every person in my past who has called me one of those things were LIARS. I hate liars. So that includes myself.
Wait, what, you lie? -every person reading this. Yes, yes I do. Want to hear some of them? My lies?
"It doesn't matter."
God, that last one... that's like the biggest one. I say that at least twice a day. That's at least two lies a day. Sinful.
But... I'm just... I have anxiety. Depression. Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). And possibly obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). And that mixture doesn't not make something sweet. It's bitter.
Nightmares. Panicking. Breakdowns. Anxiety attacks. Crying. Sleeplessness. Stress. Flashbacks. Put those together and you get me.
Me. A worthless and helpless girl. What is wrong with me?
More than anything... I want it to stop. I want to stop hurting. I want someone to tell me it's gonna be okay. I want someone to hug me tight, someone to hold me close. But no.
No one bothers asking me how I'm doing. No one asks how my day is going. No one asks me about my problems or if I have any. Everyone just assumes I'm great, I'm doing great! Nothing is wrong with me, so let's totally pretend I don't exist, right?
That would make everyone happier. I'm a burden. If I didn't exist, then everyones lives would be easier.
Now it's out there. Now you understand.
And I sure as hell can expect people to say "Ohhh, I know how you feel, we're all here for you, blah blah blah..."
No, you do not know how I feel, so be quiet. Just don't even. And no, you will not be there for me. This is a dumb blog where only internetees will be reading. So don't.
I'm just tired of lying about how I'm doing. Now you all get it...